Saturday, March 19, 2016

Circumcision...I Don't Forgive It


I want to talk about the effect circumcision has had on me personally.
I was circumcised as an infant. I didn't even know I was circumcised until I was 9 years old. I was told by my mother and when she revealed this to me she laughed at the shock on my face. It was a surreal feeling to discover that I was somehow purposely made to be different and I didn't even understand why or what took place. Subconsciously I began hating every thought that crossed my mind about it.
After I was told...I became obsessed with looking at my penis, just trying to figure out what happened. I also became extremely self conscious about what others thought. I was thinking about it so much that I imagined that that was all people thought about. The scar from my circumcision became a permanent reminder that I was assaulted sexually.
I remember trying to find information at the library before the computer age and how impossible it was.
Eventually, I put it in the back of my mind and my self image was modified and my self esteem and confidence lowered. I was different and it has affected me ever since. I've always overcompensated to present myself as valuable and I believe that's directly related to how circumcision makes me feel about myself.
Being circumcised makes me feel hurt, betrayed, sad, cheated, unworthy of protection, vengeful, varying levels of madness where I have private conversations with myself in an attempt to protest on behalf of my body. I secretly practice my defensive arguments as if I were a child about to undergo circumcision or directly after...arguments that I would make to justify my humanness or advocate for myself in some way to change the hearts and minds of those that participated in hurting me. Because I can't undo what they did, I always lose the arguments.
So, I erase my love and trust, so that they suffer a loss that cannot be regained. I tell those people that they gave up their right to be loved by me and I withdraw it. I picture them laughing at me because how can I erase my mother or father. It causes me to spiral down even further.
I do this in private and I don't let anyone hear me because I don't want people to think I'm crazy. It's very isolating.
I don't feel like there's anything about my penis that belongs to me. It belongs to those that cut me and society in general. With every circumcision that takes place, I am clearly told that what happened to me is a socially approved trauma. It's weird to say this but my penis feels disconnected from my body, almost separated. I even tell myself it's not mine.
I've had a sex life but I will never be able to say that it was good and now I am starting to hate sex or even the idea of it.
I am jealous of men who have not been circumcised and happy for them at the same time. There's a lot of mixed emotions about it. You can't talk about because people think it's funny or they support circumcision and don't want to believe anything outside of the propaganda associated with it. Any form of complaint brings ridicule. Everyone tells me to just get over it.
People love to tell me I have  issues or that I have a problem with women when I bring it up because I talk about the beliefs that people hold about the opposite sex. Everything I say gets deflected to something else. I don't feel like people will ever really listen and so if I don't matter to society, then why participate. It's very isolating and I turn to online platforms where I can at least go on record publicly and leave a testimony that will mostly be ignored in a sea of testimonies. It's so easy to ignore people in an age when we are told that connections costs so much. It's as easy as changing the channel.
There literally is nowhere to turn for support and there is no way to undo the harm and so I have had to teach myself to accept it. Well, I don't want to accept it. I simply don't want to accept it. I don't want to deny or invalidate myself so that everyone else can be ok with it. It feels like the worst lie and I'm being told to believe it for everyone else's benefit.
One of the most difficult things to listen to is the opinions of women on the subject. Especially, those that are for circumcision. For some reason, it seems like their opinions matter more and that really bothers me. It's like women have granted themselves some kind of authority or self appointed approval power over male anatomy in order to gain control over how men feel about themselves through the lens of female acceptance. This allows women to secretly celebrate that you can do anything to a man and he will still love women because of how men hate being rejected by women. It's no secret that women like men who demonstrate a resilience and survivability because women basically choose who has the most courageous attitude or having somehow overcome the odds and that promotes their own survivability by proxy. It adds an unnecessary component of complexity to the subject and focuses more on women than the men it actually affects.
I've heard so many women say that uncircumcised penises are ugly, including my own mother. It's very hypocritical to hear a woman make these sexist remarks about circumcision when they would never allow that to be said in regards to their anatomy. I don't see how a woman's critical ideas about male anatomy and aesthetics are even relevant unless they are promoting a man's natural body.
Whenever I hear these sexist comments and opinions, I don't feel like I have a right to my own body and that I'm thought of as flawed for my natural physical being. Nature didn't make a mistake.
People have posted many videos of actual circumcisions and their opinions, and I think to myself...this is like watching a rape. I make it a point not to listen to women that support circumcision because of how they go out of their way to try to make men hate themselves or associate indifference to men. The comment sections of all these videos are filled with comments about God and religion or medicine and statistics and all of the excuses that go with it. It's rare to find support or empathy. I do commend the men women out there that don't think circumcision is a right of choice for parents and religion and they actively advocate on behalf of boys.
Here in the states we are supposed to have equal protection under the law and we clearly operate from double standards. Girls are protected and boys are not and there is no escaping that double standard.
Society knows that this is wrong...I am convinced of that.
I can't forgive because in so doing, life will go on and people will conclude that men eventually get over it and so it's ok.
It's true that I have to live with circumcision and I'm powerless to do anything about it but let what I'm about to say next sink in...
Circumcision has taught me a sad truth about people and the world we live in...
When a man has suffered circumcision, he thinks that because he still feels something or because he can have an orgasm, that he is experiencing the fullness of what he was meant to experience, but he is only operating from a mutilated fraction of what he was meant to experience.
The world has suffered an emotional circumcision. Empathy has been cut away from the human body of emotions where we are most sensitive and because people still feel something that resembles empathy, they think they are operating from the fullness of what they were meant to experience when it's only just a mutilated fraction.

Take care.

1 comment:

  1. Very well, and poignantly written, Gregory. ~ Peter

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